Monday, May 09, 2005

My Journey to Motherhood-Part 2

I had a hard time accepting what God was trying to tell me. His message for me to embrace distinctly feminine roles was in direct opposition to the values that I held in my heart. I took feminist women's studies courses in college. I knew that it was taboo for a woman to think of her role as wife and mother as being important. In fact, most of my training was an attempt to ensure that I would not be "stuck" in such menial roles. I was taught that a woman had to know herself, live for herself only and reject all societal and religious notions of what a woman should resemble.

"But wait a minute here", I found myself saying. I had done all the right things and I still did not feel so great. Single, with no decent prospects and working up to 100 hours per week completing my medical training, I felt frustrated with my life. Professionally, I was accomplishing so much. That was supposed to be my fulfillment. Why was I still so miserable? Could it be possible that God was right, I stupidly wondered. Did I really need to become a wife and mother in order to be fulfilled?

I began to pray as I had not done regularly for some time. I prayed for God to show me what roles he wanted me to fulfill. I prayed that I would reduce so that he could become more in me. I prayed that I might submit myself to his will so that I might be led to the perfect place where he wanted me to bloom. Was I to remain single and childless or perhaps adopt? Was I to pursue a religious vocation such as becoming a nun? (Yes, I was serious about that- if it was in his will). After an intense period of silence, I began to feel a sense of peace. I still did not have an answer, but I did have a sense of peace. Once I relaxed and stopped trying to figure everything out, I felt that I had received my answer.

I was indeed being called to the roles of mother and wife. Okay, God, I hear you now and I accept what you are saying. There was only one thing still missing- a husband! Now how is God going to make this miracle happen, I wondered.
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