Saturday, April 09, 2005

I Am a Real Mom

A little essay that I wrote:

Are You a Real Mom?
By Victoria Carrington, M.D.

Forget stay-at-home mom vs. working outside the home mom. I have created a completely biased test of who rules the moms and who the real moms are. Are you ready? Let the mud-slinging begin.

Real moms:
• Are never dressed, showered and made up before 9 am.
• Never eat a hot meal. By the time they get everyone else fed, the food is cold.
• Never use the bathroom without an audience, no matter the time of month. Her feminine products are found around the house being used to create interesting construction projects.
• Never wear clothing that is not decorated with some sign of motherhood. Spit-up, baby food, leaking breast milk or modeling clay are all possibilities.
• Pretend that they are deaf when they hear “she pinched me” or “he frowned at me”. Unless there are blood-curdling screams or actual blood, the real mom knows not to get involved.
• Forget how to make macaroni cheese on the stove or in the conventional oven. They only use the microwave packets.
• Have kids who believe that homemade cookies are always found in the refrigerator section of the grocery store.
• Never dust. Real moms know that the best way to keep furniture dust-free is to let the kids climb on it
• Never wax the kitchen floor. Real moms know the only wax that belongs on a floor is from that of a stepped-on crayon.
• Visit the bakery section of the grocery store to bribe her crew with cookies before the shopping begins. She is careful to get enough sweet stuff such that their mouths are full for the entire trip.
• Never have an uninterrupted phone conversation
• Never have an uninterrupted conversation period unless they are far, far away from their children.
• Never have conversations without saying the word “potty” or other words associated with private, sometimes embarrassing bodily functions.
• Have learned not to be embarrassed by bodily functions.
• Know that no matter what happens, these crazy days will all be a memory one day and she will end up longing for these days to return.
• Try not to take things too seriously because things could be a lot worse.
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